Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
