If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
