Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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