Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize