I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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