i don't like sucking hair
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
