you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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