oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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