I hate all girls vehemently.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
