Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
