I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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