handjob tips. give me some.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
