if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
