My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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