Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
