Will you blow on my dice?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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