so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We smell like vodka and hangover
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