Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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