Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
