we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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