Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
