I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
