i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
