I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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