so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
grandma shit on top of the toilet
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
