No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I AM VODKA MAN
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
