u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
