she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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