Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
