Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
