Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize