he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
