Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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