My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Randomize
