it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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