I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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