having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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