Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
