I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
