i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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