The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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