I just made out with a guy for $7.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize