i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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