if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
