i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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