Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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