The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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