the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
