party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize