i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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