you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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