I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
