Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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