ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
if only i could text you this smell
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
