peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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