Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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