So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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