I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
