Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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