They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
