I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
