There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
