Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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