3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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