I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
