Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
