thus making me awesome and them whores
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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